Loving Who I Am
When I was eleven, I had my first experience of being away from my family for more than a week. For four weeks, I was part of the Children International Summer Village. I remember how I arrived at the camp in the Netherlands and was so overwhelmed for a few moments. The camp was a big bungalow village, surrounded by open spaces and a big grass field where we later played games such as baseball or hidden flag. The air was warm and the sky blue with a few white clouds finding their way over our new home. Everyone spent a weekend in a local family before the camp started, sometimes boys and girls in different families. So, what I saw was all those 44 boys and girls from eleven countries, running around with excitement and smiles written on their faces, waving their arms to say hello to each other. From all around I could hear kids speak their different languages, some of them I never heard before. I was so shy back then and my first excitement and curiosity was quickly mixed with nervousness. Thoughts, if I could get along with everyone and how I was supposed to make any friends swapped my mind. I was a quiet girl by nature, always more in the background than being the center of attention. Even with friends it was sometimes difficult for me to speak with them or tell them what was on my mind. So how was I supposed to make any friends with all those kids full of energy and liveliness around me? Funny that I chose to go to a children camp when I found it easier to talk to adults, whose thoughts were structured and who didn't interrupt or judged me. In the first year of high school I used to bike to school with two of my friends. The road we took each day was a bit narrow with some holes in the ground and on each side grew bushes and trees, so that only two bikes would fit beside each other. I was the one who would always bike in front or behind my friends. I could hear them talking and sometimes laughing. I would tell them to speak louder or ask what they were talking about. Sometimes I felt they were talking about me. The simple answer I always got: ''Ah… nothing, it's not important!'', and soon after I would hear them giggle again. Those simple words made me feel like I was ''nothing''.
I was the 'nice girl' that most people liked to have around but didn't really miss when she wasn't there. I would say, the only reason I got the courage to sign up for the camp in the first place was because of my neighbor, who was like a big sister to me since I was born. We grew up in the same house, playing together every day and going on holidays as one big family. She went to that camp two years before. She was older, smarter and more confident then I was. She was the kind of girl everyone wanted to hang out with. So many times, I thought I needed to be as good as her in school, get the same grades, so our family can be proud of me as well. Through pushing myself to be more like the people I looked up to, I did become more talkative towards strangers and if I wouldn't have taken part in that summer camp, I wouldn't have found my love for traveling and these kinds of foreign exchanges. Also, the camp helped me a lot overcoming a big part of my nervousness. I can remember a scene where me and my new made friends were all laying in a circle on the grass, talking, laughing and enjoying the beautiful summer day. I felt so happy and good about myself. The problem that occurred through all this was that I became strict on myself and I couldn't say no anymore. Whenever I made a suggestion to go out or do something, like going to a specific place to eat or planning our next weekend, I would always say its ok when my friend wanted to do something else. I was so bothered, angry and frustrated at myself, that I couldn't speak up, that I sometimes ended up crying in my room feeling alone, misunderstood and as a failure. Me ending up being way too frustrated and stressed out to the point of breaking down crying also happened a lot when I couldn't meet my own expectations at school. I guess at some point throughout and after my Working Holliday in New Zealand two years ago, I realized that I didn't want to do what others did anymore, just to not get into arguing with them or making them happy. To be happy with my own decisions, I needed to listen to what I felt like was best for me. For example, saying I wanted to spend the day alone, when my friend wanted to do something together. Over the years I learned that it doesn't make you a bad person for not living up to everyone's expectation or your own. It's ok to say what you want, to fail at things, to be outgoing on some days and on other days not wanting to talk to anyone. I started to love and accept myself as I am and that is what makes me feel good about myself. At least on most days...
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