Third first draft/ Katharina Kosmalla / ISS2017

Loving Who I Am

When I was eleven, I had my first experience of being away from my family for more than a week. For four weeks, I was part of the 'Children International Summer Village'. I was so shy back then. We were 44 boys and girls from eleven different countries. I was a quiet girl by nature, always more in the background than being the center of attention. With strangers especially, and even with friends it was hard for me to speak up and tell my opinion. I was the 'nice girl' that most people liked to have around but didn't really miss when she wasn't there. I would say, the only reason I got the courage to sign up for the camp in the first place was because of my neighbor, who was like a big sister to me since I was born. She went to that camp two years before. She was older, smarter and more confident then I was. She was the kind of girl everyone wanted to hang out with. So many times, I thought I needed to be as good as her in school, get the same grades, so our family can be proud of me as well. Through pushing myself to be more like the people I looked up to, I did become more talkative towards strangers and if I wouldn't have taken part in that summer camp, I wouldn't have found my love for traveling and these kinds of foreign exchanges. The problem that occurred through all this was that I became really hard on myself and also not being able to say no anymore. Whenever I made a suggestion to go out or do something, like going to a specific place to eat or planning our next weekend, I would always say its ok when my friend wanted to do something else. I was so bothered, angry and frustrated at myself, that I couldn't speak up, that I sometimes ended up crying in my room feeling alone, misunderstood and as a failure. Me ending up being way too frustrated and stressed out to the point of breaking down crying also happened a lot when I couldn't meet my own expectations at school. I guess at some point throughout and after my working Holliday in New Zealand I realized that I didn't want to do what others did anymore, just to not get into arguing with them or making them happy. To be happy with my own decisions, I needed to listen to what I felt like was best for me. For example, saying I wanted to spend the day alone, when my friend wanted to do something together. Over the years I learned that it doesn't make you a bad person for not living up to everyone's expectation or your own. It's ok to say what you want, to fail at things, to be outgoing on some days and on other days not wanting to talk to anyone. I started to love and except myself as I am and that is what makes me feel good about myself. At least on most days...