Fear. It's something that every person in this world has or will experience. It's for sure nothing I like to experience. While some people like the thrill of being scared, I absolutely hate it.
But fear was and still in some moments a part of my life. Not in a way I can't deal with, but in a way that I don't tend to notice, unless I think about it or get confronted with it. The fear is subconscious. I notice, when I catch myself thinking too much about the future at night, when my friends say they will scare me in a second and I still jump when they do. It's there when I see a frog on the ground. I feel like I can't move, like my arms and legs won't listen to me anymore. My friends asked me, ''Why are you scared, it's just a frog?'', but in my head I'm just thinking about what move the frog is going to do next, where he's going to jump, how far and how high he will go.
Just a few weeks ago, while I was outside in my families yard, I got in a pretty scary situation.
It was a mild and clear summer evening and me and my friend were enjoying a beer on our terrace next to our pond. When walking over the grass to get another beer I barely noticed something frog-like on the dark ground in front of me. In the moment of a second I jumped in fear and screamed so loud my friend jumped as well. I didn't even want to, but I had no control whatsoever. Probably pretty shocked from the scream and quick movement of a giant, the frog was immediately gone and I was sitting on our terrace for the next thirty minutes, watching every movement on the grass with hawks eyes, waiting for the frog to show up again.
The thing with that kind of fear or some would call phobia is, that it is really hard to overcome and it can take a long time. I always admire the people who got over their fears. The good thing is, that it is something you can work on. Just like being afraid of the future or me, wanting to be in control as much as I can. Before I get to that ''future ßproblem'' there is something else I want to share.
I was in Canada at that time and I just turned sixteen. On the news, I heared of a shooting at some store near where I was living. I didn't feel too concerned then. What really got me frightened were the news of a man shooting his brother, just 200 meters down the street. I can remember like it was yesterday. I wasn't in danger at any time and I know that now, but as a girl coming from a safe neighborhood, where I had nothing to worry about; that night was the worst of my life. Going to bed, with the thought in my head, that someone was murdered and the culprit was still on the run was just frightening. I didn't sleep that night. The wind was rattling at the windows like someone was outside, wanting to get in and the trees in our backyard ached. My room was on the ground floor, right next to my host-moms room but I was so scared.
One reason I couldn't go to her or my host-sister was embarrassment. I was embarrassed to admit that I was scared. The reason I actually couldn't go to them was because I couldn't move. I never laid that still for such a long time in all my life. I was fully rapped in my blanket, just my eyes peeking out. Some minutes I had them open, looking back and forth between my window and the door and other minutes I had them thigh shut. My body was barely moving while breathing, laying totally still. I stayed like that for the whole night, afraid that the murderer would come into the house, find me first and shoot at me as well.
When I went to school the next morning, I saw the police car parking in front of the house where the shooting took place. The police officers have been there the whole night through. I never felt so stupid being so afraid that something would happen to me, but at the same time I was so relieved as well. Nowadays I find myself stupid for fearing thinks I have no control over.
Going on to the kind of fear a lot of young people share. It's the thought of the future. Not only the future in five, ten or twenty years but also the outcome of the next test, presentation or anything similar to what will have an impact on the future. I used to think way too much over all those things and I got way to stressed out to the point where I hated to even think about anything that will have to do about what I want to do later on in my live. For Example, if I should go to University and what I would study there. At my last year of High-School I had absolutely no idea. I'm not saying that I don't worry about those things anymore but I want to show that it doesn't help at all to stress out too much. Over the years and through all those different incidents, with fears or worries of all kinds of shapes and forms, I believe now that everything will fall into place at some point. The things that are supposed to happen in my live will happen in one way or another and I need to except the challenges, make the best out of them, enjoy my live with some parts of seriousness and don't worry too much.
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